Coupling Up

People are social creatures. We are not designed to live solitary lives. We do, however, have varying preferences for how we connect with others. Some people prefer smaller, more intimate circles of friends (introverts), while others are drawn to larger groups from which they draw their energy and obtain their social connection rewards (extroverts). Whatever your specific preference, most people seek out their deepest level of connection with just a single partner in whom they powerfully invest deep hopes and dreams about their future lives. (Let me temporarily move past the sad truth of how often people’s choice of that life partner doesn’t last as long as they’d hoped.)

The essence of our search for a life partner stems from ancient needs that were met through patterns of social connectivity. I call those ancient needs the “Three S’s.” They are the need for SAFETY, SECURITY, and STABILITY. Herds, packs, prides, pods, troops, and clutches are names for how mammals satisfy the Three S’s through the formation of social groups. While a major function of these groups is that they help assure that genes are passed onto the next generation, people’s couple needs go beyond ensuring the survival of the species! People are seemingly more complex than porpoises, and that complexity involves intricate, emotionally-driven needs that are integrated with future-oriented hopes and dreams.

For example, the need for SAFETY is about more than physical protection. It also includes feeling safe to express one’s fears or desires without being shamed. The need for SECURITY is about more than confidence that predators or other threats will be kept at bay. It also includes knowing that despite struggles or confronting unforeseen challenges, your partner will not abandon you, emotionally or otherwise. And, the need for STABILITY is about more than having confidence that your partner’s behavior will be consistent and predictable. It also includes trusting that the members of the couple can grow, explore, discover, and keep evolving in a relationship that flexibly supports those changes and actually grows stronger because of them.

Trouble in Paradise

As a clinical psychologist who also trained in both neuropsychology and health psychology, I am only too aware of how brain, mind, body, and social connection intersect in good times and bad. When couples come to see me, they highlight innumerable variations of where their dreams careened off the rails. They come in raw, wary, hurt, and betrayed. They come in bitter, mistrusting, and angry or despairing. Their tales of woe are infused with finger pointing and with self-directed guilt, shame, or embarrassment aplenty.

What are the basic factors driving dissatisfaction with partners in couples?

Research highlights the following factors that combine to fuel relationship dissatisfaction, conflict, and decisions to terminate relationships.

Our Personal Pasts: We bring our past history into our present lives, including most of all into our lives as couples. When the ways in which the Three S’s were expressed (or more often violated) while growing up, the greater the odds that our intimate adult relationships will mirror our ongoing needs for safety, security, and stability. They will also stir our increased reactivity to perceiving that “once again,” those basic needs will go unfulfilled. This reactivity is a primary driver of relationship conflict.
Our Socioeconomic Circumstances: The more financial insecurity we experience, the greater the odds that our intimate relationships will pay the price. There are a host of threats to personal and relationship safety, security, and stability that are associated with poverty, job and food instability, long, sometimes dangerous, and often repetitive work hours, work roles that generate lower rates of life meaning and purpose, as well as higher rates of violence and substance use. It is why rates of relationship breakups tends to be higher when the number of social disadvantages people face is also higher. In short, one of the greatest ways to improve the strength and durability of couple-hood is to work for increased social and economic justice across the country.
Unrealistic Expectations about Life and Stress: There is a powerful and destructive myth that pervades our culture and damages chances for relationship happiness. The myth suggests that not only do we get to be happy, but if we are not, someone or something is to blame. The corrosive effect of this distorted perfectionism guarantees that when we inevitably encounter the ups and downs of life and the ups and downs of relationship life, we will perceive it as a failing - theirs, mine, or ours!
Happiness is never a guarantee. I am not even sure it should be a goal, because happiness is merely a reaction to a temporary state of affairs. Happiness is the result of how we respond to life distress. Happiness is, from a brain chemistry perspective, a time-limited state that helps us feel good about where we are and then transitions us to gain motivation for what comes next.
People frequently report higher levels of “happiness” when they are actively engaged in demonstrating their resilience, their perseverance, their creativity, and their ability to overcome seemingly insurmountable challenges. So, when couples apply those views to their daily challenges, they can discover deeper, stronger, more meaningful, and longer lasting connections in their couplehood precisely because of how they faced their life stressors head on.

Couples Therapy

Couples therapy is a particularly challenging but especially rewarding form of therapy. Couples therapy can channel our social instincts through a transformational alchemy in which we realize three changes in one fell swoop: We change and grow. Our partner changes and grows. And as a result, the “container” we call the relationship changes and grows, as well. As Donnel Stern said, “We need a witness to become a self: and later in life, in similar fashion, we need a witness to heal ourselves.” Couples therapy can help your relationship partners to become that “witness.” Mutual healing can be the result.

I encourage you to take the step to free up the energy to change and grow that rests in you, your partner, and your relationship, and give me a call. I look forward to meeting you and helping to guide you to better tomorrows.

https://www.drdavidalter.com/contact